Figuring out Fun
In the ‘90s, there was a popular shirt that was worn in ice rinks across the country.
Written across the front of it was the saying:
“Figure skating is life. The rest is just details.”
When you grow up as an elite athlete, you’re usually myopically focused on achieving success in your sport. Most days are spent driving to and from practice, practicing, going to the gym, fitting in school, making sure you get adequate rest and nutrition. You’re thinking about your sport before bed. You’re dreaming about your next performance. There is often little time for the details of life; they just don’t feel that important.
Sleepovers with friends might be viewed as a distraction: you could stay up too late; you might not get enough rest for a good day of training. Socializing or dating can be deemed unnecessary: too much time and effort is required to maintain these relationships. It can feel like there isn’t time to explore hobbies that don’t enhance your athletic performance. Those things can wait.
This doesn’t mean life as a young athlete is devoid of happiness or enjoyment. Your sport is likely a large source of enjoyment. But as you excel, anything outside of your sport can seem expendable. Rather than asking yourself, “What do I want to be doing?” when you’re not training, you might find yourself thinking, “What should I be doing?” to get ahead in your athletic career.
And a funny thing can happen when you leave your sport. Part of you may be so excited to no longer spend your days training, to finally have time to explore the hobbies and leisure you’ve been craving. But those details of life you’ve been waiting to enjoy? They may suddenly feel overwhelming—even scary. A life where you can explore any activity that appeals to you may now feel foreign and uncomfortable.
And because you might believe that pursuing fun should feel natural, it’s easy to blame yourself for how uncomfortable you feel. Attempts at relaxing—attempts at just having fun—can feel really…not fun.
Because of this discomfort, sometimes leisure can turn into a means of avoiding ourselves. We may find ourselves watching Netflix for hours on end, partying or scrolling social media to pass the time. Or we may throw ourselves into a new sport—training for a marathon, signing up for a triathlon—or pursuing hobbies that feel “productive” but may not be particularly enjoyable at the end of the day.
While there is nothing wrong with these hobbies—and they can be fun—when the intention behind them is to distract us from ourselves, we may end up feeling disconnected and unfulfilled.
When we choose to be present with our hobbies and ourselves, leisure gives us the opportunity to connect to and better understand ourselves. We tend to feel more alive after engaging in these behaviors, to feel closer to ourselves.
Unlike the athletic environments where many of us grew up, when we’re relaxing, engaging in a hobby or connecting with the people we care about, there’s no need to judge ourselves, to judge our performance or to assess what we’re achieving. Leisure doesn’t need to come with the expectation of producing anything or the expectation of being good at something. We can get lost in the moment, be fully present in the experience—just because it feels good.
To enjoy something just because it feels good can be incredibly challenging if we’ve spent most of our time in environments where results and productivity were highly valued. If we implicitly learned over time that relaxing and doing something just for the joy of it was unproductive, trying to do this during this stage of our life will likely feel very uncomfortable—even if part of us really wants it.
We may also place a lot of judgment on our abilities. If we have patterns of attaching our sense of worth to our success, it makes sense that we might have the belief that enjoyment is dependent on excellence. Unfortunately, this belief can rob us of the pleasure of the activity. We might try a hobby—a new sport or artistic endeavor—and if we aren’t good at it, we might jump to the conclusion that this hobby isn’t for us. While we can still have a goal to improve—especially if a hobby is tied to personal growth—and we don’t need to shut off our competitive nature, this doesn’t have to be a requirement for the enjoyment of a hobby or an experience.
If we find we’re lost in judgment, we want to pause to assess beliefs that may be blocking us from feeling safe enough to fully engage in an activity for the mere sake of enjoyment. Do we believe that if we aren’t good at something, we can’t possibly enjoy ourselves? Do we believe fun is a distraction from “the important things in life,” that hobbies “just aren’t for me” or that leisure is unnecessary? If we do, let’s start to look for some evidence that might disprove those beliefs.
As athletes, our focus was usually tied to results. To help ourselves connect to the present moment during an activity, rather than focusing on the outcome of the experience, we want to practice checking in with ourselves by being mindful. We do this by swapping judgment for curiosity. Curiosity allows us to explore how we are feeling in the moment. Are we closer to ourselves? What are we learning about ourselves?
The other day I was dropping a book off at the library, which is located next to an elementary school. It was recess time. With my windows up and radio on, I could hear kids screaming and laughing, fully lost in the freedom of play. There appeared to be various forms of fun happening across the playground and field. Some kids were running around; some were more intently focused on what seemed to be a make-believe game. There didn’t appear to be the expectation that someone was going to judge them at the end of the experience; no one gets a “recess” grade on their report card. The kids seemed lost in the pleasure of engaging in whatever appealed to them in the moment, basking in a beautiful afternoon.
If we’re struggling to figure out what we might want to do during our downtime, thinking about what we liked to do before starting our sport or what we saw other kids doing that we craved can be a great place to start. Rather than asking ourselves, “What do I have to show for how I spent my time?” we get to ask ourselves, “What do I want to do—regardless of outcome or talent? What sounds interesting to me right now?”
For some of us, this might mean exploring activities we didn’t get to do growing up because they could result in injury or zap our energy for training—activities like skiing, bike riding, tennis or swimming. For others, it might mean exploring activities we avoided because someone might have told us we weren’t good at them or that they were a waste of time—things like pottery, drawing or painting. Or, this might mean trying out activities we avoided because we assumed they would bore us—activities like reading or writing—and seeing how we feel during our current stage of life.
Not knowing where to start when it comes to leisure makes sense if we spent our formative years focused on a sole activity. For most of us, leisure is an underdeveloped part of our life. Because of this, we want to manage expectations and give ourselves compassion if we find we’re struggling with resistance around doing an activity purely for the joy of it. We get to take our time as we figure out what we enjoy, and there is no score to worry about when it comes to the details of life.
The content on this blog is intended for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy. The content does not replace a therapeutic relationship with a licensed mental health professional.