From Self-Avoidance to Intentional Comfort

When I was living in LA and training as a skater, I had a daily routine after practice.

I’d leave the rink late in the afternoon, exhausted, with my mind spinning on what did and didn’t go well that day.

 And I would be starving.

I would have spent all day eating as little as possible to try to lose weight, and now that training was over, my body would start screaming for food and comfort.

In an exhausted haze, I’d stop at Von’s grocery store. I’d grab a basket, and before throwing anything in it, I’d go over to the baked goods section and stuff a muffin in my mouth, not bothering to put it in a bag. Eagerly racing down the aisles, I’d toss chips, cookies, garlic bread and packs of Hostess mini donuts—anything I could easily devour on the drive home—into my basket.

I’d make the short drive down Hermosa Avenue, alongside the Pacific Ocean, in a cloud of comfort, stuffing fistfuls of food into my mouth. My mind would pause its rumination about the training day, as crumbs floated across my lap and relief flooded my body.

I’d feel peaceful.

I’d feel safe—for approximately five minutes.

Once parked and in my apartment, the guilt would set in. It would be quickly followed by panic, as I’d calculate all the calories I’d just consumed. My chest would start to pound, and I’d regretfully walk to the bathroom and purge everything I had just eaten.

It was a horrible existence. The shame I felt was paralyzing. The moments of relief and comfort I’d feel on the drive home were usurped by relentless self-criticism. I’d ruminate on how much I had let myself down, how many calories I’d just consumed, how “messed up” I was. I would try to sit with myself for a little bit, turn on the TV to distract my mind, but I’d inevitably find myself back at the store, buying more food in another attempt to self-soothe. I’d binge. I’d purge, and the cycle would repeat until I’d fall asleep a few hours later.

For many athletes, disordered eating can develop as a way to meet both physical and emotional needs. After long training days, the body naturally craves food, comfort, and rest. But when those needs have been denied, attempts to find relief can become compulsive and unintentionally self-punishing. These behaviors are not signs of weakness; they’re attempts at regulating the nervous system that have become misdirected over time.

How to stay present while self-soothing and comforting oneself isn’t a skill we are usually taught growing up—especially not as an athlete. Athletes often adopt the belief that comfort can result in mediocrity. To be the best, discomfort—even suffering—is necessary. We’re taught when our bodies tell us they’re tired, it’s beneficial to push through one more rep or one more element; the ability to sustain physical and mental discomfort is a requirement for success. And while we may logically understand rest and comfort outside of the athletic arena are necessary, knowing how to give ourselves comfort and care can be incredibly challenging.

For many of us, this is where doomscrolling, substance use and compulsive behaviors come in. We may understand—even if we aren’t always able to admit it to ourselves in the moment—these behaviors aren’t providing the self-care we’re seeking, but we may also believe relaxation and comfort are “lazy” because of deeply ingrained beliefs about productivity. So, in our attempt to relax, we engage in behaviors that give us a momentary escape from reality—but also result in unintentional dissociation and self-avoidance.

Because our beliefs influence our feelings and behavior, learning to self-soothe can start with examining beliefs about rest and comfort. Many of our beliefs may not be immediately known to us. We may tell others rest is a good thing, but do we really believe it for ourselves?

To uncover our beliefs, it can be helpful to write them down without any self-censoring. This allows us to explore any black-and-white thinking and better understand the resistance we may experience when we seek comfort but end up engaging in self-avoidant behaviors.

Let’s say we have a belief about comfort that says, “Comfort results in mediocrity.” It is likely going to feel wrong to allow ourselves to mindfully experience comfort—particularly if we value success. To help ourselves reduce resistance around giving ourselves comfort and rest, we want to start to deliberately practice beliefs that are conducive to experiencing these states with ease.

This doesn’t mean we need to completely forget former beliefs about comfort—i.e. “Comfort results in mediocrity.” Instead, we want to make our beliefs more nuanced so they aren’t in competition with one another, causing cognitive dissonance and emotional discomfort.  To do this, we can add in an “and.”

For example: Pushing past comfort during workouts is necessary to build strength, AND comfort and rest are necessary. We can adopt a balanced mindset by recognizing that both beliefs can be true depending on our circumstances.  Another example of this might include: Productivity requires hard work, AND rest can be productive. When we add in the “and” we don’t have to choose one belief as right and one as wrong; each belief is beneficial depending on the context. (EMDR sessions with a trained professional may also be helpful in reworking some of these beliefs.)

We also want to pair these beliefs with mindful actions that provide comfort. To start, it can be helpful to brainstorm behaviors we associate with comfort. Our list may include behaviors like taking a walk, spending time in nature, taking a warm bath, cooking, baking, painting, coloring, spending time with a pet, calling a loved one, reading, writing, listening to music, yoga, taking a nap. There isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach to behaviors that provide comfort; what brings comfort to one person or to us during one stage of our lives—or even one day to the next—will likely differ.

Although these behaviors are not novel, the commitment to practicing them consistently—and maintaining mindfulness throughout the process—is paramount.  If a friend came to us asking for comfort, and we spent the entire conversation scrolling Instagram, half listening to what they were saying, our friend probably wouldn’t walk away feeling comforted or like they matter to us. Our willingness to be mindful while we’re providing ourselves comfort is what brings us closer to ourselves and shows us we matter.

If we’ve spent much of our lives glamorizing discomfort, engaging in these behaviors while being present with ourselves will initially feel very uncomfortable. When we begin to meet ourselves with comfort instead of criticism, we don’t lose our drive: we give ourselves the opportunity to grow. Adopting new beliefs and behaviors is like a muscle we want to consistently strengthen through practice, and practice takes time and effort. This effort is worth it, though, because our relationship with ourselves is the most important relationship in our lives. And we are the only ones who truly know what we need.

If current attempts to self-soothe involve substance abuse and/or an eating disorder, changing beliefs and behaviors is part of the process; however, working with a medical provider is a necessary and vital step. To access a list of mental health providers in your area who are trained in substance abuse and/or eating disorder treatment, www.psychologytoday.com is a wonderful resource.

The content on this blog is intended for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy. The content does not replace a therapeutic relationship with a licensed mental health professional.