Paying Your Dues (To Yourself)

The season I moved up from a junior competitor to competing on the senior level, there was a phrase I was frequently told:

“You have to pay your dues.”

I hated this phrase.

Any time I skated a clean program at a competition and placed lower than skaters who were more established but had made mistakes, I was told, “You just have to pay your dues.”

Event after event it became an annoying mantra in my mind.

Essentially, the phrase meant the judges were reluctant to give a skater the higher marks until the skater had proven they could consistently perform at a certain level. As a young competitor, it was frustrating yet humbling to know you had to earn your marks and prove yourself. Nothing was going to be handed to you.

And a funny thing would often happen: once you’d paid your dues, you became a skater who could make a couple of mistakes. When you did, the judges—at least back when I was competing—wouldn’t bury you. You’d get a little bump because the judges would give you the benefit of the doubt: you’d paid your dues, and so they had confidence in your ability.

At that point, it felt like the judges trusted you because you had earned that trust.

When I retired from competitive skating, I desperately wanted to trust myself to know what I should do next in my life. I wanted a good relationship with myself. I wanted to feel the self-confidence that I used to tell myself winning competitions would bring me.

But no matter how hard I tried, there just wasn’t any self-trust. After years of avoiding my emotions, avoiding my needs and abusing my body on and off the ice, I had eroded my relationship with myself. I wanted to love myself—honestly, I wanted to even like myself—but no matter how hard I tried, self-trust was elusive.

When I meet with clients now, I’ll often ask about their broad goals for therapy during an initial session. Many times, clients’ goals will include strengthening their relationship with themselves, learning to trust themselves.

This goal can often feel overwhelming, especially if you’re transitioning from an athletic environment where putting aside your needs and feelings—putting aside yourself as a human—may have felt necessary for success. To build a strong relationship with yourself outside of your sport and treat yourself with the respect you deserve can often feel daunting and incredibly confusing.

So, how do we start to build this trust?

 As an athlete, self-trust before an event was built by doing run-throughs every day. It was built by training your body to make sure you were ready the day of the event, so you gave yourself a chance of performing well. It was practicing through a tough day, when nothing seemed to work, but you refused to give up on yourself. It was working towards a goal, day after day, so when the event arrived, you could trust yourself to deliver.

Self-trust, outside of the competitive arena, is built in the same way: intentional actions for yourself done consistently. It’s the promises we keep to ourselves, daily, when we deliberately show up for ourselves in small—and, over time, bigger—ways.

Just like with paying your dues with the judges and training for an event, building trust with yourself isn’t granted overnight. It isn’t glamorous, and it doesn’t happen in one magical, flashy moment.

The key is to start with a small promise, a promise you know you can keep, and consistently keeping this promise over time.

Reading for 15 minutes every morning.

Writing five things you’re proud of every morning, five things you’re grateful for and five goals for the day.

Taking a 30-minute walk every day.

Drinking 8 glasses of water throughout the day.

Stretching for 5 minutes every evening.

These behaviors seem inconsequential, but it’s not the difficulty that matters; it’s keeping the promise of the behavior every day that builds self-trust—and then acknowledging the promise you’ve kept. When you do this consistently, you’re starting to build the foundation of self-trust and confidence needed to tackle more promises/goals in other areas of your life.

We often want self-trust and confidence to arrive after a major moment in our lives. But in reality, it’s a muscle we strengthen over time. Whether it’s through a daily journaling exercise or making your bed or drinking a glass of water before your coffee every morning, it doesn’t matter how “small” the action may seem, you are showing yourself that you can depend on yourself; that is what matters.

You’re paying your dues to yourself.

Putting This into Action:

Pick one achievable behavior. This is the promise you’re keeping to yourself.

The behavior should be neutral (non-triggering) and one that is in alignment with well-being.

After completing your behavior—keeping the promise—acknowledge the promise you’ve kept. This can be through a mental log (mental acknowledgment) or physical log in a notebook or the “notes” app on your phone.

Repeat daily to begin to build the foundation of self-trust.

The content on this blog is intended for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy. The content does not replace a therapeutic relationship with a licensed mental health professional.